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  • Writer's picturePauli

I love you, but I'm not in love with you

Understanding your love language

I’ve recently been talking in my Facebook group about some of the differences that can enhance (or destroy) relationship - with the outcome dependent on both your outlook and your approach to ‘difference’.

When Kajal and I go live this Wednesday (17th June) in Episode 3 of On the Couch with Kajal and Pauli, we’ll be focusing on some of the amusing cultural differences and observations we both had with each other. Me, the white Christian and she, the Gujrati Kenyan Indian - we’d love you to join us - so head over to my facebook page and join us in our closed group.

We've also talked about the language of love and the six ’languages’ that exist in a relationship.

We all have a dominant love ‘language’ and in many cases - this is different from that of your partner! Mine was Physical Touch - Kajal's was - yes, you've guessed it - quite different!

Immerse yourself more deeply in the concept and you’ll soon realise that through lack of understanding of these ‘languages’, combined also with a lack of communication - problems soon emerge and manifest themselves within a relationship leading to a feeling of:


I have been there. I am not ashamed to admit it. It’s a terrifying, lonely and confusing place to be in a relationship - for both partners.

It’s desperately sad because the flame has gone out from the relationship and whatever you seem to do, it feels like even more water has been thrown on a long distant flame; further decreasing the chance of igniting ‘love’ again.


Not for one minute does either partner want this to be the situation. It was the last thing my ex-wife and I wanted. We had three beautiful kids, we ran our own businesses, we have a large group of shared friends and family we both loved. We were both good, kind, loving people. But, despite this, our inability to communicate in the right way with each other led to a more transactional - brother/sister relationship, rather than lover.

Do you recognise that?

If you are like me back then, you’ll be spending hours wondering - ‘how and when did it get to this’ - clueless of how to bridge the gap.

Sound familiar? Been there and come through it?

I’d love to hear from you - direct message me because the most common issue in any relationship is the communication barrier. Everyone experiences love differently, and it’s easy to miss the mark when it comes to showing that you care. If this all sounds familiar and you are struggling like I did, then read on.


I am thinking about running a session with a small group on how to understand your love language, what it means, and how you can use it to connect back with your partner.

If you are interested, then direct message me in confidence to discuss it in a bit more detail.


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