Shut Your Mouth - Your Relationship Depends Upon It!
Kajal and I connect in such a beautiful way. For me it’s like the pieces of a jigsaw puzzle that perfectly fit; completing a picture that fills me with joy every single day.
Is the puzzle complete. No!
Why? Because the picture changes every single day and the puzzle needs to be remade.
Allow me to jumble up the pieces in your mind and start again because there is magic in this post - but you need to read to the end.
Speaking honestly, it’s not always picture perfect and beautiful in our life because we are two different people and there are many external influences.
I have annoying habits (apparently 🤣) and she does too (more than mine, of course 🤣🤣).
We can get irritated by the other and we occasionally disagree on things.
We have good days and bad days (like everyone else) and if we allow it to, we can be influenced by all the other ‘shit’ going on in the world creating a mindset or mood change that impacts the other.
As empaths, we both ‘feel’ shifts in the energy of each other, in the people around us and of the universe. We can be adversely affected - if we allow it.
If we ‘allow it’.
The only thing we ‘can’ control in our life is our self. Replace the word ‘can’ with the words ‘should’, and ‘have the right to’, and this shifts the emphasis of what I am saying here.
I have the right to my point of view, expressed truthfully in a calm and loving way. If Kajal doesn’t agree, that’s fine with me. I respect that.
Sometimes my words influence her, sometimes they don’t.
Kajal is a strong woman. My goodness she has needed to be. She’s had a life that’s been much harder than mine, but that doesn’t mean that my voice cannot be heard or she ‘trumps me’ every time. No.
She’s also very wise, but I don’t always agree with what she (or others) say.
What happens next is the interesting bit.
Do I talk louder and silence her voice to get my point across more firmly?
Do I sulk and withdraw to make my point in a silent way?
Do I try to belittle her and tell her she’s wrong and I am right?
Do I get angry?
When I was younger, I used to be hot headed and reactive. I was Fire. I hated to be wrong. To win the ‘fight’ I would say things in the moment that I’d later regret.
Even though I had ‘won’, I was unhappy. I was unhappy, because there is no glory in winning and making your most loved one(s) feel like shit and creating a toxic atmosphere in my home or workplace.
If you are fire like I once was, then the key here is to:
1. Shut your mouth (before you say anything hurtful)
2. Count to ten (the flame dies)
This really does work!
I discovered that it’s important to let the fire go out, to listen to differing points of view and sit with it for a while. And if it doesn’t make sense to me, I will let it go.
With Kajal and I, if it’s something that remains important to me and I cannot let it go, after a day or so, I will calmly express that I don’t share her point of view and explain why.
Is that the end of it - no!! Why?
Because different scenarios can occur and this is where I believe MAGIC happens in our relationship - and it can in yours too.
Here’s what I have found:
1. We beg to differ and respect each others difference (no bad feeling, anger or resentment)
2. She understands my point of view more clearly and respects me for explaining (I’ve got my point across and she is able also to understand it from both sides - we’re still friends)
3. She reflects and her point of view changes - thanking me for it (I am happy, she is too)
4. We’ve discussed. I’ve rethought it and change my point of view to hers (we make love*)
What I haven’t done here is to stubbornly cross my arms and dug in my heels (and neither has she) because that leaves us both feeling angry and resentful.
If you are in a relationship where these sorts of issues arise, then please learn from my mistakes and give these tools a go. They have genuinely helped to transform ME and MY response to situations in my life that now end beautifully.
With love as always - Pauli
*not always, but we will always have a laugh about it and more often than not will do something together that we both enjoy 🧘🏽♀️🧘🏻♂️
Beginners yoga for Couples yoga start on a Monday and Wednesday evening in Nov. Try it - beautiful for bonding and sharing a new past-time together.